Men and Women in India

I had a lot of thoughts and observations about men, women, and relationships during my time in India, so I guess I’ll stick them in this random entry.

I found that I was surprised at how well-defined the male / female roles were here. This country, for all its global success, enlightened philosophy, and being the home of the Kama Sutra, is more traditional than I expected. But I guess every country is traditional compared to the independent streak most Americans are born with, all with their own set of traditions from wherever they came from.

Arranged Marriages

Even though arranged marriages did not sound palatable to me originally, the idea is growing on me as a pretty good solution! (I don’t mean for me personally, but culturally, there are a lot of advantages.)

If your marriage doesn’t start out about being about passion and love, then you wouldn’t have to count on that love to keep the marriage strong. You work from the beginning at building a relationship, compromising when necessary, and prioritizing the family regardless of how much attraction you feel. I think that makes for a strong, devoted marriage. I still think it would be a little odd to move in with a man/woman you barely know and then have pressure to be intimate. (I mean… what if he smells?) But maybe knowing you will go into it awkwardly makes it more honest? At any rate, there are fewer expectations I’d imagine.

The process of arranged marriages also goes a bit faster. If you want to get married in the western world, you’d have to date and date to find someone you like and are compatible with, then date seriously (or live together) for a few years and see if you both still want to marry each other. Even then, you might not get around to it until you decide to have children. In India, when you’re ready to marry, you have your family find some candidates. Meet some potential partners. And mutually decide. Lots of ceremonies. Done!

It only becomes problematic, in my opinion, when there is too much pressure to do something you don’t want. What if you don’t want to get married? What if you want to wait a few years? What if you prefer a same sex partner? What if you don’t want children? What if you want to marry for love? What if you want to marry outside of your caste?

What? Did I say caste? No way! Actually, though, the caste system (with apparently *hundreds* of castes) is alive and well in India. I have no idea how important it really is when choosing a partner, I didn’t ask a lot of people that, but at least a few I talked to could tell me which last names belonged in which groupings. Caste or not, marrying across religions is extremely rare, especially for a Muslim to marry a Hindu. I think these concerns, though, are not all that uncommon and most parents take their son and daughter’s desires into serious consideration. Nothing is against anyone’s will.

Most Indian weddings, in which the average guest list pushes 1,000, cost a fortune. (And the concept of dowry is alive and well.) Some statistics I saw showed the price tag to be on par with the $25K or so American wedding range. Though $25K is a lot more in India than it is in the U.S. That being said, there are trends toward simpler weddings, as evidenced by the “My Big Fat Indian Wedding” episode of Satyamev Jayete.

There is also the convention that a woman will become part of, often move in with, her husband’s family. I have mixed feelings about that part of it. A lot of marriage happiness seems to depend on how well the new bride gets along with her new family. There is a common stereotype of a bride’s unaccepting mother-in-law here. Though a lot of couples, especially in the city, are out on their own so it is less of an issue.

Relationships

“99% of couples that live together are married,” and Indian guy once told me. “And the few that aren’t are in Mumbai”

Another Indian male friend of mine made the half-joking comparison between Indian and American relationships: “In America, first you sleep together, then you get to know each other, then you move in together, then you get married. It’s the exact opposite in India.”

So I naively thought that, since there is so much emphasis put on marriage and family, that few young men and women would date. WRONG. Men and women date just as much as they do anywhere else. They are just a little more mum about it to their families. I knew a guy who lived with a woman two years and his parents (who are hoping to find a girl for him to marry in a couple years) had no idea. I knew another guy whose girlfriend gracefully bowed out so he could marry another. Find a private spot (usually inside a monument since it can be hard to find a private spot) and you’ll find couples. So even though the maxim above might be true in some senses, there is plenty of romance in India!

Though then there is the problem of divorce. India apparently has some of the lowest divorce rates in the world. (Reportedly close to 1%.) Although some of that might be due to the culturally-built-in attitudes about marriage being a connection of families, not individuals, and all the work that goes into the relationship, I have to also believe that many women and men are trapped in abusive relationships with no easy way out. Especially for women, who are more likely to be dependent on the husband and husband’s family. Marriage to a near stranger can be a scary prospect! You won’t know that person’s “real” nature until months or years after the ceremony. And by then, there is little you can do about it.

Guys vs. Gals

I found the guys here (i.e. my co-workers) to generally be laid back, easy to talk to, polite, and chivalrous. I never seemed to have trouble holding a comfortable, long conversation with any of them. Women were kind and helpful to me but were a little tougher around the edges. I had trouble building a rapport. Perhaps because they had to be stronger to get to the same place and held more family responsibilities, they came off sharper. The ones that did not have that strong attitude instead looked exhausted. I think it is just harder work being a woman in India. I met few Indian women I would describe as “laid back”. In India, anyway; the Indian women I know in the U.S. are pretty chill.

India has a billion people. Therefore, it is VERY competitive. And, although women do have opportunities in many fields (this is a country that has had a female prime minister after all), it is still a “man’s world.” I definitely saw way more men than women during my time in India, whether at my office complex, on the street, at the stores, anywhere. Way more than the 92 females per 100 males ratio suggests. At least working-class ladies are reserved the jobs as female security checkers, maids, and ladies restroom attendants. (Though, oddly not women’s clothing. Nearly every women’s clothing store I ever walked into was attended by men.) But I think a woman trying to have a successful career, whether upper or lower class, has to work harder for it.

Getting a job abroad is often the goal because you can make a lot more and send it home. Most every upper class Indian I met either had lived overseas or had family overseas. My neighbor, who I never met, was in the U.S. the whole time I lived next to him.

Women are more likely to dress in traditional clothing than men, who wear almost exclusively western styles. I get it, though. Indian women’s clothes are beautiful and practical (well, the ladies suits at least). Why not dress up a little! The long scarves can get cumbersome, though. I closed a car door on one multiple times. I also noticed (in stark contrast to Japan) that women wear their hair long here, almost universally. My waist-length hair, which impresses my peers back home, isn’t all that special here. When I lived in Japan, short hair was the norm among women, young and old, so my hair was shockingly long to them. Also, young Japanese love to dye their hair, so I would often get fooled by the red or blonde back of someone’s head. Not so in India. I don’t believe I ever saw dyed hair here.

Affection and Homosexuality

India is an affectionate country. Lots of hugging and holding hands (though rarely kissing in public.) I constantly saw guys holding hands or sitting three to a one-man motorbike, so there is not the stigma against male affection that you might find in the U.S. If there were a gay couple on the streets, I don’t know how you would tell solely by looking. There is a (very gradually rising but) still low tolerance of homosexuality in India (I think it recently became Not a Crime!?) Yet there are gay-friendly popular Bollywood movies like Dostana so I think the conventional wisdom of the average city dweller is that it is cool. A female co-worker who came to visit the office was a little nervous about mentioning to the local employees that she was meeting her female partner later, but no one batted an eye. Having a same-sex relationship would go against tradition and the well-defined roles, but a same-sex couple can still have a family (perhaps adopt one of the many unwanted baby girls) so that very important piece of the marriage process is still intact.

In general, maybe partially due to necessity for a densely populated country, close contact is regular and encouraged. That is one great adaptation and probably makes for closer friendships. I, on the other hand, love my space. Even more than the average American I think, I need privacy and alone time. I wonder how long it would take me to get used to the same level of physical closeness, if ever.

Tomorrow, I leave India. So this is my India wrap-up: a summary of my exciting year in one of the world’s oldest countries.

The sun is setting on my time in… okay, too cheesy.

Anyway…

List time!

Top Five Questions I was Asked

1. Where are you from / What country are you from?
2. How are you finding India? (I always answered this one positively.)
3. Where do you work?

(The above are fairly typical of any foreigner in any country I think. The below are a little more interesting.)

4. Do you cook your own food? (Though now that I think on it, I got asked this question a lot in Japan, too. Does one call using a rice cooker cooking your own food?)
5. Are you bored/lonely living by yourself? (God, no. I love space, I love privacy, I love being by myself. It must be an outgrowth from being an introvert and growing up in a place with a lot of room.)

My Top Eleven Favorite Things About India

1. Autorickshaws (tuk-tuks): Cheap, easy, and fun transportation that will get you all over the city. A daily mini-adventure. The ultimate India experience. (Bonus: they are different colors in different parts of India. )
2. Holi: Enough said.
3. Everyone Helps Me! Shopkeepers, customer service, people in my building, random folks on the street, were all very polite, madam. No one ever showed anger, even if I was angry. Just perfect patience. The manager of the bank branch repeatedly driving to my office to pick up paperwork he needed, saving me massive time and hassle. The supermarket clerk looking at my (badly handwritten) shopping list and mobilizing his staff to find me everything on it. My neighbor translating (and, in truth doing most of the talking) to the maintenance guys. My co-workers and neighbors saved me big time on numerous occasions involving everything from taxis, lunch reservations, taxes, trip planning, everything.
4. Sightseeing: THERE IS SO MUCH TO SEE IN INDIA! This is an old country with varied terrain, full of awesomely unique places in every direction, both natural and man-made, for every taste. It’s bigger than you’d think: a full third the size of the U.S. You can hike the Himalayas, explore forts, gaze upon the Taj, go on a camel safari, dance to Bollywood at a club, river raft the Ganges, tour temples different than you’ve never seen, get a sari tailored, see wild tigers, drink a Kingfisher, meditate at an ashram, road trip to a hill station, crash a wedding, look for apartments on the back of a stranger’s motorcycle. My list of places to see only grew, not shrunk.
5. Bread: I’m talking the fried bread. The garlic naan, the potato-stuffed paranthas, the puri, the chole bathure (poofy deep-fried bread). So much yum.
6. Traffic Jams: You are wondering if I put this into the wrong category. And I’m sure, if I had to DRIVE in them, this would not be on the list. But traffic jams never ceased to fascinate me here (unlike back home). The organized chaos. The variety of vehicles, everyone making their own lanes and directions and changing their mind at random. The untangling of the impossible. The heated discussions had by people trying to move, people directing. The pleas by a motorcycle driver to a car to let them squeeze between its front bumper and the bus at a 90 degree angle in front of it. I can stare for hours (and have).
7. Inclusiveness: I’ve been to no less than five wedding-related celebrations this year! (Well, six if you count the one we accidentally crashed.) Most of them of people I did not know or barely knew. How wonderful is it to hear tales of the amazing Indian Wedding and actually get multiple chances to participate in my short time here! I felt very included and welcomed in a lot of special activities.
8. Urban Wildlife: In the U.S., it is all squirrels and raccoons. But here, it is cows, monkeys, lizards (yay Guido!), goats, and dogs. Lots of dogs. Cows share the road in Delhi and I never got tired of watching them re-route traffic. Granted, the cows and goats usually belonged to someone, unlike the wild monkeys.
9. Chai: I’ve always loved chai. And this is as authentic as it gets. It is the one and only food product I was willing to regularly buy off the street. So tasty!
10. Music: I love the drumbeat-filled Indian-style music. I’ve never met a Bollywood song I didn’t like and I got to hear it everywhere. (It was actually refreshing to go a year with almost no western music.) And the passion for which people dance to and enjoy it is inspiring.
11. Mystery Weight Loss: Despite foregoing raw veggies and stuffing myself full of fried bread (see above entry) and deliciously oily curry filled with potatoes, and often a side of rice, and still getting my serving of chocolate with all the Cadbury available, I managed to lose about 10 pounds. I have several theories. But I’ll go with Indian Food Is Magic!

My Top Seven Least Favorite Things About India

1. Queue-cutting: People cut in line (if there even is a line) often and without any regard for who was there before them. Though, if you call people on it they will very politely step back. (I even admonished an old lady once who had stepped right up to the register ahead of four people, how rude of me.) People queue up in a crowded metro, but when the doors open, it is a free for all, some people standing directly in front of the doors where a mass of people are walking out (which seems dangerous.) And, to be fair, I have had men and women kindly gesture to let me go ahead of them with no prompting from me. It’s just that the opposite is more likely.
2. Mobile Ringtones: Even at the relatively close quarters of desks at work (or on the train), many people have their ringers on high volume and receive quite a few calls. It’s very distracting to me. Also, there is the attitude that the call or text is more important than our conversation. Out with friends, I don’t mind as much, but at work, it surprises me that a person stops to take a personal call or text while I’m helping them and I have to sit and wait for them to finish before we can continue. Some of my coworkers keep their phone on vibrate or immediately turn it off if I am assisting them at their desk, though it seemed like then some phone would blare from the next row with the world’s most annoying ring, completely throwing me out of what I was talking about. I think Indians have a much higher tolerance for background noise than I do. Though people do have one very good excuse for taking calls wherever and whenever: THERE IS NO VOICE MAIL HERE. At least, it is very uncommon. I don’t remember being offered the option for my service from airtel and I rarely came upon it when calling others. If you miss the call, you miss the call.
3. Food + Cleanliness Issues: I’ve seen proper hygiene here for sure, but it is not a given. People – even people in the food service industry – often touch my food with their bare hands or fingers. The same people who handle money. I can count the number of times on one hand that I have seen that at a restaurant or cafe in my entire life in the U.S. But it’s fairly regular here. And I also suspect that nothing here, from restaurant cutlery to hotel towels, is washed in hot water. So it never seems quite clean. I often bring my own pillowcases. Though, on the other side of the coin, I rarely got ill in India. So maybe I’m being over paranoid.
4. Too Helpful?: This is the other side of the coin for Helpfulness. Receiving help or advice when I need or want it is a Godsend and I am endlessly grateful. Receiving help or advice when I DON’T need or want it can be patronizing and offensive to me, especially when phrased as, “You should…” or just as a command. Perhaps cultural differences may present too much of a barrier here. Sorry India, you can’t win, I will probably appear to be offended at random when you are just trying to be helpful. And in the mean time, I will grind my teeth in stubborn “I can do this myself!” or “Yes, I know that, I’m not an idiot” and “I don’t need special treatment!” frustration.
5. Shoes Off: This is my mild OCD in action. I HATE taking off my shoes, especially in a public place, in any country. But you must take your shoes off at pretty much every holy place in India. If you ever see me barefoot anywhere, even in my own apartment, you can be sure I’m keenly aware of the fact, unless it is a beach (the only place in the world that it doesn’t bother me for some reason). To have to walk barefoot outdoors (dirty by nature) or where shod people have walked (gross to think where people’s shoes have been), it makes me shiver. And it is a very common thing in India. (Don’t get me started on airport security in the U.S., the shoe thing stresses me out every time.) No logic here, just my own issues.
6. No Movies or Streaming Media: I have three complaints here. One: buying DVDs is difficult (I think one mall in the entirely of Delhi sells them? Maybe two) because everyone downloads their movies illegally. Two: No Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime! (Or even Pandora!) I guess I could have looked for a (probably illegal) alternative to the sites knowing I was logging in from an IP address within India, but I didn’t bother. Three: No subtitles! This especially surprises me. This is a nation with many, many languages. I know a woman from S. India who married a man from N. India and their common language was English until she learned Hindi. So why in the world aren’t movies (or TV) subtitled? India would have gotten tons of money out of me going to the movies. Just thought of a fourth complaint: there are so many films released here that many major films only last a week, maybe two! If you are serious about seeing a movie, you need to get on it! At least they are cheaper (less than $5). And there are a selection of Hollywood releases as well.
7. The Postal Service: Although all the letters I sent out made it to their destination, only 1 out of 5 letters/packages sent to me arrived. This made me very sad. It also will make it near impossible to properly do my taxes this coming year. They require them to be sent by REGULAR mail (not courier) which, by my record, only has a 20% chance of actually reaching them. At least they aren’t as complicated as American taxes and, if it is like last time, no money will be owed on either side.

Top Seven Things That Weren’t Such a Big Deal After All

1. Safety This was one of my biggest concerns going in, especially as a woman. And many friends, co-workers, and family members were also concerned on my behalf. I think this is one of those things. Is it dangerous in Delhi? Absolutely. Like many major cities, the chance existed that something horrible could happen. (You certainly hear stories on the news often enough.) But with the combination of playing it safe (I followed the advice I received from local women and almost never went out after dark), keeping alert, and trusting intuition, I lowered my chances at such an occurrence. I’m sure some of this is also just probability, in that most people are decent. And some luck. But I traveled both alone and in groups often and managed to make it through unscathed.
2. Getting Ripped Off Being overcharged for everything as a rule. Especially by my maid. Yeah, kind of annoying, but I could afford it and I don’t blame them. Often it meant I got better or prompter service. I figure I’m helping the economy or something. And I got to hone my haggling skills.
3. Staring Not a big deal. I mean, I’d stare at me, too. Even after a short time, I started noticing immediately if there was a non-Indian in the area and I admit I had the urge to look. It doesn’t bother me that much, unless I am looking all sweaty and gross after the gym. The only annoyance it causes is when someone I know is trying to get my attention. They look at me and I’d ignore them because everyone else looks at me, too. (And it isn’t everyone by a long shot.) The one time it weirded me out was in Haridwar at the temples along the Ganges. We were about the only foreigners out of thousands (hundreds of thousands) of worshipping Indians. We had groups of 6 or 7 people standing around us STARING like we were exotic zoo animals. Awkward! That never happened in the city.
4. Trash on the Street Yeah, the trash on the sides of the road in the city is not pleasant, but people were cleaning it up every day, just not fast enough to keep up. It also doesn’t help that people litter. It made me shake my head every time when folks I otherwise respected throw a paper cup or water bottle into the gutter. Granted, it would help if there were more trash cans in the city. And I guess it provides jobs?
5. The Security As much as it is very weird to get patted down and/or wanded airport-style before walking into a mall, the metro, or a cinema, I got used to it. Only women do the patting for women and only once or twice did it approach groping. The only time it made me angry was when I was BARRED from entering a movie theatre with my camera (that they found when they searched my purse). This is a point-and-click camera, no fancy lenses. My mobile phone (which is allowed in no problem) takes videos just as well, so no rationale there. Though having to let go of my purse in a crowded metro to put it on the conveyor belt was never really comfortable.
6. Language kind-of-barrier I learned more Hindi before I came than while I was here. I take 100% responsibility. This is my fault for not continuing my studies more seriously, I grant that. But there is barely motivation to use it in daily life here. My co-workers are fluent (various levels of fluency) and English is used as a rule at the office. The lower-income workers like maids, auto drivers, clerks, usually know enough to complete the transaction. More signs are in English than Hindi. So that makes it a little frustrating when movies are not subtitled in English or when the conversation veers off into Hindi for an hour and someone comments that I “look bored”. Well, yeah. So my only motivation to learn was so I could understand the non-work-related conversation going on around me, have detailed conversations with my maid, or understand Bollywood movies. To get the most of those things would involve near fluency in Hindi, so a LOT LOT LOT of work (that might not have been attainable in the time I was here) for a fairly small gain.
7. The Poverty I thought this would be the end of me. But it wasn’t. I never got used to it or anything and the problem occupied my mind more frequently, but it did not leave me constantly disturbed. And I think it was because, although there are a lot of people here living in what seem to be desolate conditions, I had to notice that they had pride. They did their meager job for their extraordinarily meager wage and got on with their lives. Watching the construction workers live in the shantytown (little shacks up against the wall of the site) come home en masse from work, join their wives and barefoot kids, have their modest noodle dinner night after night and whoop when it rained… it was humbling. There was a fair amount of begging, but usually only at tourist spots and it seemed likely that they were part of professional begging crews. The only time the begging really got to me was when they touched me or were very aggressive, which was the exception not the rule.

April


May


July


September


November

(Out the window of my office – A metaphor of my growth in India? Definitely too cheesy.)

In Summary…

I had a great experience! I feel extremely fortunate to have had the opportunity to work and live here for a year. I have learned and done so much! The things I was so anxious and intimidated about were hardly big deals at all. Though little things started to get to me after a while. In the middle of the year, I thought I might try to stay longer. But by autumn, I was beginning to be ready to go home. Though I don’t regret a single day.

Thanks to…

Major Goel, the kind, grandfatherly man who voluntarily became my “surrogate dad” in India and is responsible for many of my awesome weekend excursions. His wife, who was always sweet and once translated the fortune of the palm reader. His daughter, who organized several enjoyable activities I attended including a Bollywood dance workshop. Their family business, who was responsible for my own family’s fantastic Golden Triangle excursion and my Tamil Nadu trip.

Sarfraz, his sister, and the whole Delhi Road Trip gang, who were amazing company and with whom I had one of the best conversations I can remember

Prashant, who extended me an early and hearty welcome and his mom, who provided me not only with a delicious meal, but also with stationery to write a letter on when I could not find anything at multiple stores

Kathryn, who cheerfully joined me on several impromptu excursions and who gave me another blog to read

John, who was the river-rafting hero of Rishikesh

Abhishek, who saved me 50% on my daily taxi

Mayank, who helped me move, helped with my taxes, and basically helped me with all my day-to-day problems and questions

Arpit, who is the reason behind my many great India experiences like his wedding, playing cricket, and best of all, our Little Holi celebration after work

Nishant and his wife, who helped me buy a dress for a wedding my first week in India, took me out to Italian food, and were just generally awesome to hang out with

Siraj, who engaged me in many thoughtful conversations and who patiently answered all my questions about Islam

Amit, who made sure I did not leave India without a copy of Sholay

Girish, who is a rich conversationalist, an amazing dancer, and helped me salvage my team lunch when everything started to go wrong

Sharad, who paid for a good portion of our daily post-lunch chai (I never paid. Not even once.)

Tanu, who helped my buy my first tailored “ladies suit” from the marketplace

Anubha, who took me to her local temple on a holiday and then made me (and her husband) dinner ever though she was fasting

Ranjeet, Nitin, and my other co-workers in general, who answered my constant questions, patiently sat through my Power Points, explained the meaning behind all the Hindu festivals, and who also were technically proficient enough that it made my job much less stressful

Akarsh, who got me safely through Jammu & Kashmir high mountain roads and tricky border politics near the Line of Control. Additionally, he got me and my family safely through the streets of Old Delhi on a bicycle.

Mukesh, my landlord, who was chill and patient and apparently let me use all his personal furniture

Nitu, my maid, who kept my floors dust free and who taught me some things about myself

Rob and Vivi, who let me join in on their trip to Leh, which was a life-changing experience (And Sigi, who invited me on the back of his bike)

Varun, who helped me depart Srinagar when my plane ticket was mysteriously cancelled, and for whom I hold a special place in my heart

My friends-of-a-friend Swati and Vivek and their adorable daughter, who had me over for a lovely evening and dinner and who were someone to say hello to in the elevator since they lived in the same building I did

My neighbors Smita and Vipol, who constantly helped me with apartment maintenance men, translated complicated conversations with my maid, helped me organize my important final taxi when my phone and internet got shut off a day early, served me homemade gulab jamun on diwali, invited me to do Rangoli with them, and answered all the constant mundane questions I had. Best neighbors ever.